But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You did what with his pubic hair?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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