Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
