after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
