Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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