My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
