also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
