My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
