It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
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Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
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I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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