I haven't been this sober since birth.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
