I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
