Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
babies were throwing up all over the place
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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