my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
