Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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