the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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