Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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