Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
