yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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