The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
