Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
