My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
