I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
