This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
