The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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