TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
