I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
