I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
