is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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