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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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