Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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