and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
