I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
All the doctor said was why
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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