90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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