My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
