I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
