woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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