I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.