he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
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Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.