It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
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I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?