you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.