I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.