I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My vagina is officially offended.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
