even my farts smell like vagina
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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