theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
