yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
