Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
