i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
