I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
