he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
