It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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