my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
