dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
