Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
