It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
