I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
