Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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