The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
