I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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