1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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