Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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