We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
birth control should be required to get into college
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
