I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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