I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
