Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
