Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
