Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
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I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
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You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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